Men with Two Faces
Charles Spurgeon · John Ploughman's Talk; or, Plain Advice for Plain People
" Drink or drone will he, as the case may be."
EVEN bad men praise consistency.
Thieves like honest men, for they
are the best to rob. When you know
where to find a man, he has one good
(163)
164 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK.
point at any rate ; but a fellow who howls
with the wolves, and bleat swith the sheep,
gets nobody's good word unless it be the
devil's. To carry two faces under one hat
is, however, very common. Many roost
with the poultry and go shares with Rey-
nard. Many look as if butter would not
melt in their mouths, and yet can spit fire
when it suits their purpose. I read the
other day an advertisement about reversible
coats ; the tailor who sells them must be
making a fortune. Holding with the hare
and running with the hounds is still in
fashion. Consistency is about as scarce in
the world as musk in a dog-kennel.
You may trust some men as far as you
can see them, but no further, for new
company makes them new men. Like
water, they boil or freeze according to the
temperature. Some do this because they
have no principles ; they are of the weather-
cock persuasion, and turn with the wind.
You might as well measure the moon for
a suit of clothes as know what they are.
They believe in that which pays best.
They always put up at the Golden Fleece.
Their mill grinds any grist which you
MEN WITH TWO FACES. 165
bring to it if the ready money is forthcoming ;
and they go with every wind, north, south,
east, west, north-east, north-west, south-
east, south-west, nor'-nor'-east, south-west-
by-south, or any other in all the world.
Like frogs, they can live on land or
water, and are not at all particular which
it is. Like a cat, they always fall on
their feet, and will stop anywhere if you
butter their toes. They love their friends
dearly, but their love lies in the cupboard,
and if that be bare, like a mouse, their
love runs off to some other larder. They
say, " Leave you, dear girl? Never, while
you have a shilling." How they scuttle
off if you come to the bad ! Like rats,
they leave a sinking ship.
When good cheer is lacking,
Such friends will be packing.
Their heart follows the pudding. While
the pot boils they sit by the fire ; when the
meal tub is empty they play at turnabout.
They believe in the winning horse ; they
will wear anybody's coat who may choose
to give them one ; they are to be bought by
the dozen, like mackerel, but he who gives
166 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK,
a penny for them wastes his money. Profit
is their god, and whether they make it out
of you or your enemy, the money is just
as sweet to them. Heads or tails are alike
to them so long as they win. High road
or back lane, all's the same to them so that
they can get home with the loaf in the
basket. They are friends to the goose, but
they will eat his giblets. So long as the
water turns their wheel, it is none the
worse for being muddy ; they would burn
their mother's coffin if they were short of
firing, and sell their own father if they
could turn a penny by the old gentle-
man's bones. They never lose a chance of
minding the main chance.
Others are shifty because they are so
desperately fond of good fellowship.
" Hail fellow, well met," is their cry, be it
traveller or highwayman. They are so
good-natured that they must needs agree
with everybody. They are cousins of Mr.
Anything. Their brains are in other
people's heads. If they were at Rome
they would kiss the pope's toe, but when
they are at home they make themselves
hoarse with shouting, " No Popery."
MEN WITH TWO FACES. 167
They admire the Vicar of Bray, whose
principle was to be the Vicar of Bray
whether the Church was Protestant or
Popish. They are mere time-servers, in
hopes that the times may serve them.
They belong to the party which wears the
yellow colors, not in their button-holes,
but in the palms of their hands. Butter
them, and like turnips you may eat them.
Pull the rope, and like the bells they will
ring as you choose to make them, funeral
knell or wedding peal, come to church or
go to the devil. They have no backbones ;
you may bend them like willow wands,
backwards or forwards, whichever way you
please. Like oysters, anybody may pepper
them who can open them. Sweet to you
and sweet to your enemy. They blow hot
and cold. They try to be Jack-o'-both
sides, and deserve to be kicked like a foot-
ball by both parties.
Some are hypocrites by nature ; slippery
as eels, and piebald like Squire Smoothey's
mare. Like a drunken man, they could
not walk straight if they were to try.
Like corn-dealers, they are rogues ingrain.
They wind in and out like a Surrey lane.
1 68 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK,
They were born of the breed of St. Judas.
The double shuffle is their favorite game,
and honesty their greatest hatred. Honey
is on their tongue, but gall in their hearts.
They are mongrel bred, like the gipsy's dog.
Like a cat's feet they show soft pads, but
carry sharp claws. If their teeth are not
rotten their tongues are, and their hearts
are like dead men's graves. If speaking
the truth and lying were equally profitable,
they would naturally prefer to lie, for, like
dirt to a pig, it would be congenial. They
fawn, and flatter, and cringe, and scrape,
for like snails they make their way by
their slime ; but all the while they hate you
in their hearts, and only wait for a chance
to stab you. Beware of those who come
from the town of Deceit. Mr. Facing-both-
ways, Mr. Fair-speech, and Mr. Two-
tongues are neighbors who are best at a
distance. Though they look one way, as
boatmen do, they are pulling the other;
they are false as the devil's promises, and as
cruel as death and the grave.
Religious deceivers are the worst of
vermin, and I fear they are as plentiful as
rats in an old wheatstack.
MEN WITH TWO FACES. 169
They are like a silver pin,
Fair without but foul within.
They cover up their black flesh with white
feathers. Saturday and Sunday make a
wonderful difference in them. They have the
fear of the minister a deal more before their
eyes than the fear of God. Their religion lies
in imitating the religious; they have none
of the root of the matter in them. They
carry Dr. Watts' hymn-book in their
pocket, and sing a roaring song at the same
time. Their Sunday coats are the best
part about them; the nearer you get to
their hearts the more filth you will find.
They prate like parrots, but their talk and
their walk do not agree. Some of them
are fishing for customers, and a little pious
talk is a cheap advertisement ; and if the
seat at the church or the meeting costs
a trifle, they make it up out of short
weights. They don't worship God wrhile
they trade, but they trade on their worship.
Others of the poorer sort go to church for
soup, and bread, and coal tickets. They
love the communion because of the alms'
money. Some of the dear old Mrs. Good-
bodies want a blessed almshouse, and so
170 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK.
they profess to be so blessed under the
blessed ministry of their blessed Pastor
every blessed Sabbath. Charity suits them
if faith does not; they know which side
their bread is buttered on.
Others make a decent show in religion to
quiet their consciences ; they use it as a
salve for their wounds — and if they could
satisfy heaven as easily as they quiet them-
selves it would be a fine thing for them.
It has been my lot to meet with some who
went a long way in profession, as far as I
could see, for nothing but the love of being
thought a deal of. They got a little knot of
friends to believe in their fine talk, and take
all in for gospel that they liked to say.
Their opinion was the true measure of a
preacher's soundness ; they could settle up
everything by their own know, and they had
gallons of XXX experience for those who
liked something hot and strong; but dear,
dear, if they had but condescended to show
a little Christian practice as well, how much
better their lives would have weighed up !
These people are like owls, which look to
be big birds, but they are not, for they are
all feathers; and they look wonderfully
MEN WITH TWO FACES. 171
knowing in the twilight, but when the light
comes they are regular boobies.
Hypocrites of all sorts are abominable,
and he who deals with them will rue it.
He who tries to cheat the Lord will be
quite ready to cheat his fellow men. Great
cry generally means little wool. Many a
big chimney in which you expect to see
bacon and hams, when you look up it, has
nothing to show you but its empty hooks
and black t soot. Some men's windmills
are only nut-crackers — their elephants are
nothing but sucking-pigs. It is not all who
go to church or meeting that truly pray,
nor those who sing loudest that praise God
most, nor those who pull the longest faces
who are the most in earnest.
What mean animals hypocrites must be !
talk of polecats and weasels, they are
nothing to them. Better be a dead dog
than a live hypocrite. Surely when the
devil sees hypocrites at their little game, it
must be as good as a play to him ; he tempts
genuine Christians, but he lets these alone,
because he is sure of them. He need not
shoot at lame ducks, his dog can pick them
up any day.
172 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S TALK,
Depend upon it, friends, if a straight line
will not pay, a crooked one won't. What
is got by shuffling is very dangerous gain.
It may give a moment's peace to wear a
mask, but deception will come home to
you and bring sorrow with it. Honesty is
the best policy. If the lion's skin does not
do, never try the fox's. Be as true as steel.
Let your face and hands, like the church
clock, always tell how your inner works are
going. Better be laughed at as Tom Tell-
truth than be praised as Crafty Charlie.
Plain dealing may bring us trouble, but it is
better than shuffling. At the last the up-
right will have their reward, but for the
double-minded to get to heaven is as im-
possible as for a man to swim across the
Atlantic with a mill-stone under each arm.