He has a hole under his nose, and his money runs into it
Charles Spurgeon · John Ploughman's Pictures; or, More of His Plain Talk for Plain People
AND HIS MONEY RUNS INTO IT.
THIS is the man who is always dry, be-
cause he takes so much heavy wet.
He is a loose fellow who is fond of getting
tight. He is no sooner up than his nose is
(54)
THE HOLE UXDER THE XOSE. 55
in the cup, and his money begins to run
down the hole which is just under his nose.
He is not a blacksmith, but he has a spark
in his throat, and all the publican's barrels
can't put it out. If a pot of beer is a yard
of land, he must have swallowed more
acres than a ploughman could get over for
many a day, and still he goes on swallow-
ing until he takes to wallowing. All goes
down Gutter Lane. Like the snipe, he
lives by suction. If \^ou ask him how he
is, he says he would be quite right if he
could moisten his mouth. His purse is a
bottle, his bank is the publican's till, and his
casket is a cask : pewter is his precious-
metal, and his pearl* is a mixture of gin
and beer. The dew of his youth comes
from Ben Nevis, and the comfort of his
soul is cordial gin. He is a walking barrel,
a living drain-pipe, a moving swill-tub.
They say ** loth to drink and loth to -leave
off," but he never needs persuading to begin^
and as to ending — that is out of the ques-
tion while he can borrow two-pence. This-,
is the gentleman who sings —
* Purl.
56 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S PICTURES.
He that buys land buys many stones,
He that buys meat buys many bones,
He that buys eggs buys many shells,
He that buys good ale buys nothing else.
He will never be hanged for leaving his
drink behind him. He drinks in season
and out of season : in summer because he
is hot, and in winter because he is cold.
A drop of beer never comes too soon, and
he would get up in the middle of the night
for more, only he goes to bed too tipsy.
He has heard that if you get wet-footed a
glass of whisky in your boots will keep
you from catching cold, and he argues that
the best way to get one glass of the spirit
into each boot is to put two doses where it
will run into your legs. He is never long
without an excuse for another pot, or if per-
chance he does not make one, another lush-
ington helps him.
Some drink when friends step in,
And some when they step out ;
Some drink because they're thin,
And some because they're stout.
Some drink because 'tis wet,
And some because 'tis dry;
Some drink another glass
To wet the other eye.
THE HOLE UNDER THE NOSE. 57
Water is this gentleman's abhorrence,
whether used inside or out, but most of all
he dreads it taken inwardly, except with
spirits, and then the less the better. He says
that the pump would kill him, but he never
gives it a chance. He laps his liquor, and
licks his chaps, but he will never die through
the badness of the water from the well. It
is a pity that he does not run the risk.
Drinking cold water neither makes a man
sick, nor in debt, nor his wife a widow, but
this mighty fine ale of his will do all this
for him, make him worse than a beast while
he lives, and wash him away to his grave
before his time. The old Scotchman said,
" Death and drink-draining are near neigh-
bors," and he spoke the truth. They say
that drunkenness makes some men fools,
some beasts, and some devils, but according
to my mind it makes all men fools whatever
else it does. Yet when a man is as drunk
as a rat he sets up to be a judge, and mocks
at sober people. Certain neighbors of mine
laugh at me for being a teetotaller, and I
might well laugh at them for being drunk,
only I feel more inclined to cry that they
should be such fools. O that we could get
58 JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S PICTURES,
them sober, and then perhaps we might
make men of them. You cannot do much
with these fellows, unless you can enlist
them in the Coldstream guards.
He that any g<iod would win
At his mouth must first begin.
As long as drink drowns conscience and
reason, you might as well talk to the hogs.
The rascals will promise fair and take the
pledge, and then take their coats to pledge
to get more beer. We smile at a tipsy man,
for he is a ridiculous creature, but when we
see how he is ruined body and soul it is no
joking matter. How solemn is the truth
that ** No drunkard shall inherit eternal life."
There's nothing too bad for a man to say
or do when he is half-seas over. It is a
pity that any decent body should go near
such a common sewer. If he does not fall
into the worst of crimes it certainly is not
his fault, for he has made himself ready for
anything the devil likes to put into his mind.
He does least hurt when he begins to be
topheavy, and to reel about : then he be-
comes a blind man with good eyes in his
head, and a cripple with legs on. He sees
THE HOLE UNDER THE NOSE. 59
two moons, and two doors to the public-
house, and tries to find his way through
both the doors at once. Over he goes, and
there he must He unless somebody will
wheel him home in a barrow or carr}^ him
to the police-station.
Solomon says the glutton and the drunk-
ard shall come to poverty, and that the
drinker does in no time. He gets more
and more down at the heel, and as his nose
gets redder and his body is more swollen
he gets to be more of a shack and more of
a shark. His trade is gone, and his credit
has run out, but he still manages to get his
beer. He treats an old friend to a pot, and
then finds that he has left his purse at home,
and of course the old friend must pay the
shot. He borrows till no one will lend him
a groat, unless it is to get off lending a
shilling. Shame has long since left him,
though all who know him are ashamed of
him. His talk runs like the tap, and is full
of stale dregs : he is very kind over his
beer, and swears he loves you, and would
like to drink your health, and love you
again. Poor sot, much good will his bless-
ing do to any one who gets it ; his poor
6o JOHN PLOUGHMAN'S PICTURES.
wife and family have had too much of it
already, and quake at the very sound of his
voice.
Now, if we try to do anything to shut up
a boozing-house, or shorten the hours for
guzzling, we are called all sorts of bad
names, and the wind-up of it all is — " What !
Rob a poor ma7i of his beer ? " The fact is
that they rob the poor man by his beer.
The ale-jug robs the cupboard and the table,
starves the wife and strips the children ; it
is a great thief, housebreaker, and heart-
breaker, and the best possible thing is to
break it to pieces, or keep it on the shelf
bottom upwards. In a newspaper which
was lent me the other day I saw some verses
by John Barleycorn, jun., and as they tickled
my fancy I copied them out, and here they
are.
What ! rob a poor man of his beer,
And give him good victuals instead !
Your heart's very hard, sir, I fear,
Or at least you are soft in the head.
What ! rob a poor man of his mug,
And give him a house of his own ;
With kitchen and parlor so snug !
'Tis enough to draw tears from a stone.
THE HOLE UNDER THE NOSE. 6l
What ! rob a poor man of his glass,
And teach him to read and to write !
What ! save him from being an ass !
'Tis nothing but mahce and spite.
What ! rob a poor man of his ale,
And prevent him from beating his wife,
From being locked up in a jail,
With penal employment for life !
What ! rob a poor man of his beer.
And keep him from starving his child !
It makes one feel awfully queer,
And I'll thank you to draw it more mild.
Having given you a song, I now hand
you a handbill to stick up in the " Rose and
Crown " window, if the landlord wants an
advertisement. It was written many years
ago, but it is quite as good as new. Any
beer-seller may print it who thinks it likely
to help his trade —
DRUNKARDS, READ THIS!
DRUNKENNESS
EXPELS REASON.
DISTEMPERS THE BODY,
DIMINISHES STRENGTH,
INFLAMES THE BLOOD;
r INTERNAL ^
CAUSES^ ™\^^^\L WOUNDS;
[incurable J
IS
a WITCH TO THE SENSES,
A DEMON TO THE SOUL,
A THIEF TO THE PURSE,
A GUIDE TO BEGGARY, LECHERY, & VILLAINY.
IT IS
THE WIFE'S WOE, and
THE CHILDREN'S SORROW.
MAKES A MAN
WALLOW WORSE THAN A BEAST, and
ACT LIKE A FOOL.
HE IS
A SELF-MURDERER;
WHO DRINKS TO ANOTHER'S GOOD HEALTH,
AND
ROBS HIMSELF OF HIS OWN.
(62)